• Otilia

Loneliness

Even if i don’t like admitting it, training for my dream is a lonely experience. I woke up at 5 o'clock or earlier and head to the gym before even having my eyes fully open - tried Tom’s trick with toothpicks to keep the eyelids open but didn’t work. Depending on the day, I run, bike, swim or do core and weights training. What follow is rushing to work and looking like I did my beauty sleep and I am just slowly starting my day.

Working out by myself in the gym and in the same time being surrounded by people, who work out by themselves too, doesn’t feel ok. If you are alone in the nature is completely different because you feel connected with yourself and with the nature. When being surrounded by people you don't know, a sick type of loneliness creeps in because you can’t be with yourself and neither with them. My loneliness is so dense and structured that you could cut it with a knife and spread it on anyone’s soul.

Not only the training but the dream itself becomes an arid dessert where you wonder all by yourself. Not for the first time in my life I come to the realization that dreams are territories where loneliness rules because your passion gives you superhero powers and it is pushing you into endeavors you'd never even considered otherwise. The others will not join you even if you invite them or even if they want to. It is like in Bill Briggs’ story of climbing to the peak of the Grand Teton only to be able to be the first person skiing down from there…his crew gave up even on climbing, as there was no personal fire for them to shed light on the route to the top of the mountain.

We are the only true witness of our dream and our pain. No one can really get a glimpse at their true heights or depths and no one can feel the coldness of the blade that tears apart our heart. Even if we want to share it with the world, the heights of our dreams and the depths of our pain remain our well-kept secret.

A thought for the girls out there following their dream: find your inner reservoir of energy and reconnect to it every time you feel you are losing your strength. Don’t hesitate to ask for help and advice, people around you can be very kind but don’t forget they have their own dreams calling them and breathing the thin air of loneliness is a price you pay for achieving your goal.

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